maybe it's the weather, but I feel blue
I haven’t written a real blog in a while. I guess I don’t know what to write because I don’t really think anything I write is interesting to people. I feel like I have to beat people with a stick to get them to hang out with me lately, so thinking they’re reading my blog on their own free will, unless in cases of dire boredom, isn’t something I’m thinking likely. So then I just get the urge to talk to myself, which I then delete because that’s really something no one wants to read. I know, I know…people are busy and have lives. They’re used to me being the planner and I’ve gone on hiatus for reasons of sanity or lack thereof. I have no updates of real interest to most people. Last weekend I had a bachelorette party for Sara. It was a lot of fun, complete with me losing a cell phone and forcing a limo driver to eat tortillas. We danced and drank it up, and talked to tons of people. It really reminds me that a fun girls night out of dancing and no worries about most other things is a really good time. If anyone is up for one let me know. I got A’s on both of my midterms, and now I’m working on writing papers before the wedding so that I don’t have to worry about it over the weekend. I’ve started working on homecoming already, complete with meetings every few weeks with the SU folks about it. I know I sound really busy, but my counselor tells me that I make myself super busy so that I don’t have to stop and notice that I’m alone and lonely and that I just overwhelm myself with busy. She says that I am always keeping myself moving forward, and I hate to tell her, but that’s really all that keeps me going right now. I don’t even know if I’m moving forward with all of this busyness. It’s not like I keep myself busy with plans with friends, which would be good, but more of keeping myself busy with my own stuff. I guess I feel like everyone is too busy in their own lives for me, so that I should be too. Anyhow, she also says that I’m a people pleaser and that I do whatever necessary to make people happy, even if it’s not telling people that I’m depressed and need them, just to not burden them. Anyhow, I don’t seek out help and people don’t normally seek to give it to me, so I guess I just assume that whatever I’m doing is either the correct assumption, or that I depress people too much to hang out with me, in which case I don’t blame them for not. And then there’s the tiny possibility that people haven’t noticed, and well…now you know. Not that it means you have to care.