Stuff from Stephers

I used to share a blog with Melissa, but she's been MIA for a few months, so I made it all mine! Random thoughts on my every day life to bore you with.

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

maybe it's the weather, but I feel blue

I haven’t written a real blog in a while. I guess I don’t know what to write because I don’t really think anything I write is interesting to people. I feel like I have to beat people with a stick to get them to hang out with me lately, so thinking they’re reading my blog on their own free will, unless in cases of dire boredom, isn’t something I’m thinking likely. So then I just get the urge to talk to myself, which I then delete because that’s really something no one wants to read. I know, I know…people are busy and have lives. They’re used to me being the planner and I’ve gone on hiatus for reasons of sanity or lack thereof. I have no updates of real interest to most people. Last weekend I had a bachelorette party for Sara. It was a lot of fun, complete with me losing a cell phone and forcing a limo driver to eat tortillas. We danced and drank it up, and talked to tons of people. It really reminds me that a fun girls night out of dancing and no worries about most other things is a really good time. If anyone is up for one let me know. I got A’s on both of my midterms, and now I’m working on writing papers before the wedding so that I don’t have to worry about it over the weekend. I’ve started working on homecoming already, complete with meetings every few weeks with the SU folks about it. I know I sound really busy, but my counselor tells me that I make myself super busy so that I don’t have to stop and notice that I’m alone and lonely and that I just overwhelm myself with busy. She says that I am always keeping myself moving forward, and I hate to tell her, but that’s really all that keeps me going right now. I don’t even know if I’m moving forward with all of this busyness. It’s not like I keep myself busy with plans with friends, which would be good, but more of keeping myself busy with my own stuff. I guess I feel like everyone is too busy in their own lives for me, so that I should be too. Anyhow, she also says that I’m a people pleaser and that I do whatever necessary to make people happy, even if it’s not telling people that I’m depressed and need them, just to not burden them. Anyhow, I don’t seek out help and people don’t normally seek to give it to me, so I guess I just assume that whatever I’m doing is either the correct assumption, or that I depress people too much to hang out with me, in which case I don’t blame them for not. And then there’s the tiny possibility that people haven’t noticed, and well…now you know. Not that it means you have to care.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hi Stephanie. I've been reading your blog for a while now, but this is my first time leaving a comment. I'm not sure why I felt compelled to do so today. I've noticed this isn't your first entry on this subject or in this tone and having a similar mindset myself I thought it would be a good opportunity for me to reach out to you. I just want you to know that I'm sorry you are feeling blue, I can totally relate and that reading the ups and down of your blog makes me feel not so alone or alien. Just you being you has helped me today. Thank you. Hope this isn't too weird.

12:49 PM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

No...not weird at all. It's nice when people say something - I appreciate it. And it's nice to know that I'm not alone. I think the problem is that when people feel awkard or don't know what to do it just comes across as not caring, when really nobody needs to try to cheer me up or make it better. I just need people who want to be there for me and want to hang out with me - a support system if you will.

1:43 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I agree. Sometimes my friends go overboard with the "sunshine" and it usually makes me feel worse. I think to myself - am I really that depressing that my friends feel I need all this extra attention and fake perkiness? In reality I just want to know that my friends are there when/if I need them and that they love me...even when I'm in a funk. Thanks for the chat. It helps.

3:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't miss understand. I LOVE MY FRIENDS!!! They love me so much they try too hard sometimes.

3:51 PM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

Right - i love my friends too. I guess it's hard to be like "this is exactly what I need" because I really just want to hang out, but I want people to know why I've been basically MIA for the past few months. it's just hard for me to motivate to plan things to do, or sometimes to even go to things. And I sort of feel invisible if it's something they totally don't notice.

4:00 PM  
Blogger Stereoette said...

oh, hugs, darlin', as i understand better than you'd ever know. miss you, sometimes wish i was in austin with all yall...

9:02 PM  

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