It's my party I can cry if I want to...

I haven't written a blog in a while where I just spill my guts, so if you've missed those here you go....if not, then you should probably just stop reading right here. I've realized that I have been in kind of a whiney, pity party mood lately. I realize this, really I do. First of all, I am interviewing for a job Saturday that, if I get, will get me out of my acute boredom hopefully. However...I feel like I'm in a slump. People keep telling me they're engaged and I'm excited for them - really I am - but I think I'm on every person in the universe's group email list to announce the engagement. The more and more I hear of new people getting engaged the more and more I think...if all these people can so easily find "the" person, what the heck is wrong with me that I can't date someone for more than like a month? Some people tell me to find a group of single girl friends and to go out with them on weekends in order to meet people. Well, as simple as that sounds I don't know where I would find this mystical group, or how I would make time for my real friends if I did that. I'd love to go out and meet people but I think I missed the boat on that back when everyone was single. Well, the boat where I meet the right guy at least. I feel like it has to be me with the problem, because everyone else is doing this so easily. Someone tell me what my inability to pair is please. I mean, seriously, if you've seen me do crazy or unattractive things please tell me. I mean, maybe I can't change, but I'd at least like to know that I need to find a guy that can deal with me yelling obscenities in my sleep or whatever I might be doing. If you think I need to try a new brand of toothpaste or deodorant (hint hint), just let me know. I'd be happy to have the tip. And of course people say you don't find someone when you're looking for them, but I say that you don't find someone when you're just sitting at home reading on weekends either. Yup, that's what I do a lot of the time. I know that you are all jealous of me. Anyhow, then I also realize that part of this is that I'm going to be 27 in a few days and first of all, I'm not really excited about my birthday in the first place because I don't want to be 27, but second I don't really feel any enthusiasm from anywhere else either. I mean, my family had chicken fajitas to celebrate me and my sisters birthday. I'm vegetarian.... And I'm having a happy hour on Friday that I think there will be 3 people at including me. That's like one of those worst nightmare scenarios where you plan something and no one comes and you feel all lame, and you're sure that everyone feels sorry for you for being so lame and then you feel even lamer. Sigh...I feel like my original plan to just not celebrate probably would have been better because it seems like almost nobody else can celebrate it with me anyway. Like it's the exception rather than the rule to celebrate my birthday this year. It's like birthdays were designated so that you could have a day to feel like people should think you're important, but it doesn't really make that big of a difference to anyone except you anyway. A lesson in humility we'll call it. Maybe that's a bit extreme and I totally understand that life gets in the way and it isn't peoples fault that they can't be there when I decided to plan it. I'm not saying this is some person's fault. I mean, back in the day my mom planned my parties and tons of kids came - I didn't have to do anything at all except bask in the glory of the kid party. I miss that. When it really is a day just for your pleasure. I'm just feeling old and alone. Really alone. I know, it's not even my birthday yet and I'm complaining, but I don't think my dog is going to wake me up on Sunday with breakfast in bed or make sure we spend a special day that she planned full of my favorite things. Maybe it's not too late to postpone the whole thing until next year. After all, I have Halloween and Homecoming to be working on and I know people will be attending those. OK, so...if you're still reading by now, thanks for taking the time to "listen" to me be negative. I'm not feeling sorry for myself - I'm feeling scared and alone, like no one ever shares these feelings so I feel like I'm the only one feeling this. The older I get the pickier I get, and the more set in my ways I get about picking guys. I needed to spill my guts about how unexcited I am for this birthday. How freaked out I am that I don't even have an idea of who I'd even maybe want to be with for the rest of my life besides my dog. How I feel directionless and sort of hopeless. It's scary. I'll go take my medicine now so that I can stop having all these feelings - they aren't doing me any good right now anyway. And if you just read this and want to tell me to stop being lame or whatever, really, just put it as a comment. I'm not going to be upset about it - I'd like to know if you think I'm being irrational and unrealistic, etc. etc. It helps me to determine if maybe I need some stronger drugs or just a slap upside the head.