Stuff from Stephers

I used to share a blog with Melissa, but she's been MIA for a few months, so I made it all mine! Random thoughts on my every day life to bore you with.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

It's my party I can cry if I want to...

I haven't written a blog in a while where I just spill my guts, so if you've missed those here you go....if not, then you should probably just stop reading right here. I've realized that I have been in kind of a whiney, pity party mood lately. I realize this, really I do. First of all, I am interviewing for a job Saturday that, if I get, will get me out of my acute boredom hopefully. However...I feel like I'm in a slump. People keep telling me they're engaged and I'm excited for them - really I am - but I think I'm on every person in the universe's group email list to announce the engagement. The more and more I hear of new people getting engaged the more and more I think...if all these people can so easily find "the" person, what the heck is wrong with me that I can't date someone for more than like a month? Some people tell me to find a group of single girl friends and to go out with them on weekends in order to meet people. Well, as simple as that sounds I don't know where I would find this mystical group, or how I would make time for my real friends if I did that. I'd love to go out and meet people but I think I missed the boat on that back when everyone was single. Well, the boat where I meet the right guy at least. I feel like it has to be me with the problem, because everyone else is doing this so easily. Someone tell me what my inability to pair is please. I mean, seriously, if you've seen me do crazy or unattractive things please tell me. I mean, maybe I can't change, but I'd at least like to know that I need to find a guy that can deal with me yelling obscenities in my sleep or whatever I might be doing. If you think I need to try a new brand of toothpaste or deodorant (hint hint), just let me know. I'd be happy to have the tip. And of course people say you don't find someone when you're looking for them, but I say that you don't find someone when you're just sitting at home reading on weekends either. Yup, that's what I do a lot of the time. I know that you are all jealous of me. Anyhow, then I also realize that part of this is that I'm going to be 27 in a few days and first of all, I'm not really excited about my birthday in the first place because I don't want to be 27, but second I don't really feel any enthusiasm from anywhere else either. I mean, my family had chicken fajitas to celebrate me and my sisters birthday. I'm vegetarian.... And I'm having a happy hour on Friday that I think there will be 3 people at including me. That's like one of those worst nightmare scenarios where you plan something and no one comes and you feel all lame, and you're sure that everyone feels sorry for you for being so lame and then you feel even lamer. Sigh...I feel like my original plan to just not celebrate probably would have been better because it seems like almost nobody else can celebrate it with me anyway. Like it's the exception rather than the rule to celebrate my birthday this year. It's like birthdays were designated so that you could have a day to feel like people should think you're important, but it doesn't really make that big of a difference to anyone except you anyway. A lesson in humility we'll call it. Maybe that's a bit extreme and I totally understand that life gets in the way and it isn't peoples fault that they can't be there when I decided to plan it. I'm not saying this is some person's fault. I mean, back in the day my mom planned my parties and tons of kids came - I didn't have to do anything at all except bask in the glory of the kid party. I miss that. When it really is a day just for your pleasure. I'm just feeling old and alone. Really alone. I know, it's not even my birthday yet and I'm complaining, but I don't think my dog is going to wake me up on Sunday with breakfast in bed or make sure we spend a special day that she planned full of my favorite things. Maybe it's not too late to postpone the whole thing until next year. After all, I have Halloween and Homecoming to be working on and I know people will be attending those. OK, so...if you're still reading by now, thanks for taking the time to "listen" to me be negative. I'm not feeling sorry for myself - I'm feeling scared and alone, like no one ever shares these feelings so I feel like I'm the only one feeling this. The older I get the pickier I get, and the more set in my ways I get about picking guys. I needed to spill my guts about how unexcited I am for this birthday. How freaked out I am that I don't even have an idea of who I'd even maybe want to be with for the rest of my life besides my dog. How I feel directionless and sort of hopeless. It's scary. I'll go take my medicine now so that I can stop having all these feelings - they aren't doing me any good right now anyway. And if you just read this and want to tell me to stop being lame or whatever, really, just put it as a comment. I'm not going to be upset about it - I'd like to know if you think I'm being irrational and unrealistic, etc. etc. It helps me to determine if maybe I need some stronger drugs or just a slap upside the head.


Blogger Rachel said...

I don't think you're being totally irrational. I just think that this age in general is hard to deal with, and that other stuff is going on with you that makes it even crazier. I'm not unhappy to be 27, but I'm feeling remarkably less mature or accomplished than I imagined myself to be at this age (back when I was 20 or something). Maybe we just need new goals :).

9:39 AM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

Hmm...maybe it's that - the feeling less mature or accomplished than I thought I would be at 27. New goals is a good idea. I'll work on that. It's always good to see things in a new way. And thanks for the comment - it gives me something to think about and makes me feel supported.

9:57 AM  
Blogger danielle said...

i agree with rachel. i think each year you have to reevaluate your life. sure, maybe it's not what you thought it would be 5, 10 years ago, but is it really that bad?

and a lot of your friends might be getting engaged/married, but think of all the parties you get to go to (and not have to plan)! and maybe one of those future married friends will introduce you to somebody else out there who's about to turn 27 and is totally freaked out he's not on the right path. single people aren't the only people who know other single people.

so yah, step back and think about if your life is REALLY as bad as you make it sound...or think it might sound. and trust me, your birthday will be a blast -whether 3 people turn out or 30. this might sound lame and cliche, but it's not the quantity at your party, it's the quality :)

ps- i'm looking forward to homecoming b/c i know that you've done SOOO much work on it and it will be nothing but fantastic :)

5:37 PM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

I know my life isn't bad - I promise that I don't really think it's bad at all. And I think I'm less worried about the birthday thing than the age and being alone thing. And really, I know the birthday will be fun. I didn't mean it wouldn't be because anything my friends or any other person has done or not done. It's just hard to think people are excited when you sit around by yourself all the time and YOU aren't really excited about anything...not working is kinda lonely. It's all me being super harsh on myself though. I really don't want anyone to think that I'm saying they need to do something or whatever - nobody can make you feel a certain way - you decide how to feel. I know that.

6:19 PM  
Blogger Stereoette said...

why is it only us texas girls that worry about these things? or at least, southern girls. nobody up here is that worried and here i am, a year younger than you and still freaked the H out.

Saffy may not make your breakfast, but you better know you'll get a birthday toe lickin'. And if i was in Texas, I'd be at your happy hour too, dork.

Happy early birthday - and may it actually be happy.

11:01 PM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

You know, someone from NY just said the same thing about how girls up there aren't as worried about it as girls here seem to be.

That's true...Saffy will fill my day with my favorite things from her - drive by lickins :o) Of course, I gave her leg warmers for her birthday so maybe she'll bite my toes for revenge!

9:30 AM  
Blogger Rachel said...

The DC kids aren't worried about their impending singleness either...I think it's just a Southern thing, where girls get married at 22 like it's perfectly normal or something. I'm think it's cool that that didn't happen with our friends - that they actually lived a little on their own first.

10:08 AM  
Blogger Stephanie said...

Yeah, it is cool to live on your own. My mom always told me to never get married until I knew I could make it on my own. I think my fear is of making it on my own until I'm like 40 or 50. At least everyone will have tons of money to come to my wedding in Fiji then. :o)

12:07 PM  
Blogger misty said...

I'm sorry I missed your birthday. I hope you know I'd much much rather be hanging out with you than in SA doing crappy school work. One of the worst things about being an adult is finding out that what your parents said is true: You DON'T get to do what you want all the time :(

Rest assured you're not the only one feeling that way. You're joined by most 20-somethings (except those Yankees, apparently :) Even us non-singles don't feel like we have our lives all together. Most days I feel like I'm sliding down a slope clawing just to slow down a little!

11:55 AM  

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