Stuff from Stephers
I used to share a blog with Melissa, but she's been MIA for a few months, so I made it all mine! Random thoughts on my every day life to bore you with.
The holiday season
So, I just wrote out my planner for November. I include all my assignments due, events, ect. Right after doing that I had this sick feeling in my stomach that will just not go away. It's called anxiety, worry, stress. After midterms in about mid-October, life starts to get crazy. I have major papers and presentations due every single week until the end of school. At the end of school of course there are finals. I still need to find an internship too. And on top of all that there's holiday plannings. I mean, Halloween is my specialty, but there's something going on almost every single weekend until umm...December some time. And I'm not complaining about having stuff to do, but I'm just feeling all this anxiety about it. And then of course there are still the everyday stressors...money, boys (or lack of), bills, sleep, etc. So...if I seem a little crazy or recluse to you, it's because I'm trying to write a kazillion page paper on a topic that I know nothing about and it's driving me crazy. Well, that should be your default thought as to why until Dec. 8. And, for my mom who was concerned about me saying when I run...I just have to say that I looked up crime statistics (for school, I'm not just procrastinating) and most crimes happen between 3pm and 3am so stop worrying!
Long long ago in a place not so far away there was a town called Boo-ville. In Boo-ville there was a great holiday called Halloween. It was celebrated by all until the Grinch decided to steal Halloween. Now, you've heard of this Grinch, this is the less popular of his many evil doings. He had first tried to steal Christmas. . Christmas was saved by a little girl named Cindy Lou-Who. Cindy Lou-Who is the grandmother of Saffy Lou-Who, the heroine of our story. The Grinch was mad because he felt like many of the Halloween costumes looked a lot like he looked every day. He decided that if he stole Halloween it would just go away. He started by first casting a spell to make the great Halloween Queen feel not in the mood to celebrate. She put off finding a costume and planning a party, because it just wasn't exciting anymore. So he snuck down to the town of Boo-ville at the beginning of October. He stole the candy, the pumpkins, and all the costumes in town. There was something he had missed, he thought with a frown. One little toy that slept with a pup was the last thing he had to pick up. He walked very softly, but he reached for her toy he squeezed it a little too hard, and "Squeak!" it said. As if uncontrollably, Saffy jumped to her feet and grabbed the toy. She would not let go. The Grinch tried and tried and couldn't get it away. He saw how much little Saffy Lou-Who loved her Halloween toy and decided that maybe he was seeing things all wrong. Perhaps he too could enjoy Halloween. Halloween is a time for all kinds of things. Everything is accepted because there aren't many "normals" when it comes to the day. So the Grinch swiftly returned all of the Halloween booty, and removed his hex from the Halloween Queen. It was a short amount of time, but costumes were found and parties were planned all in the nick of time. On All Hallows Eve the Grinch went out to celebrate with the citzens of Boo-ville, and he didn't have to hide his differences since green hairy things are cool at Halloween. In appreciation of little Saffy Lou-Who the day was called Howl-o-ween, except as humans do, we mispronounce it as it is referred to today - Halloween.
Things you might wish you had seen...
I bought some running tights so that I would have no reason to not go run. You know the whole, "it's too cold to run!" excuse? Right, so then I put it off a couple more days because I couldn't find my handy dandy cold weather, ear covering, headband. I finally found it yesterday. So this morning I had absolutely no reason to go. Saffy had even slept with me all night which always makes me sleep better. So, I went running. I was probably about 3/10 of a mile from home - very close. I was running along, when out of no where I bust and am on my ass. I have NO idea what happened, except one minute I was standing and the next I was on the ground. I'm not quite sure what happened, but I wasn't sticking around to figure out and jumped right up and kept running. The reason I was in such a rush you wonder? It was the actually the only point of my run when there were people around me. Not one person, but TWO. In front of me was this Asian lady who has been ignoring me since last January, and she pretended to not hear me hit the ground and yelp. Behind me was this guy who always walks his dog in the morning. The thing is, he always has this flashlight that he's waving all over the ground. In my head I always scoff, "what, does he think he going to trip on a rock or something?" which is exactly what I think happened to me. So not only was he probably laughing his ass off at me falling, but now he has justification for that stupid flashlight. And the whole reason for getting up at ass-thirty was to not see people - this is exactly the sort of thing I wanted to avoid. At least I didn't tear my pants.
The crisis has landed
So for those of you who know me, I'm sure you're wondering why I haven't started freaking out about Halloween yet. Well, I was wondering the same thing, until about last night when it hit, and now I'm wishing it hadn't. I'm totally freaking out! Barbara has gotten most of my emails about it so far, insisting on conversions from 12 cups to 4 gallons, and then into liters. Everyone has gotten my many emails about shoes and costume parts. Misty is about to get one about dry ice. I feel as though I am the lone freaker-outer. I have these grand pictures for it in my head and I just don't know if there's enough time to get it together this year. I knew I should have started planning before October!!
Time to brew
Lately I've been particularly bothered by a pet peeve of mine. It may seem trivial to most people, ok, probably everyone, but it drives me INSANE when people leave the tea bag in the cup until they're done with the entire drink. I mean, Starbuck's puts the tea bag in there and puts the lid on, but that's only so you won't spill the hot water on yourself, NOT so that you won't take the bag out. If you read the boxes it says to leave in there for 5 minutes. Some are only 2-3 minutes. Maybe you wonder why this bothers me? Well, I think that people aren't getting the best flavor out of their tea, so for some reason I can't imagine how they think they enjoy it. As a pretty regular tea drinker I know that it gets a "burnt" taste if you leave the bag in there for too long. Thus, for some reason it seems phony to me for people to like over-brewed teas. If you do this, I'm not judging you or anything, but try taking the bag out and see if it doesn't taste better to you.
I've got a case of the midterms
I have midterms this week, and the reason I have time to write a blog if you were wondering, is because I completely can NOT focus at all. I need some Adderall - Sara, if your husband could hurry up and finish med school and write me a prescription that would be great! :o) I have a test in a couple of hours, and it's open book and note, but I haven't looked anything over. I still don't understand half lives of drugs. But, whatever. So, what else can I say. Last night at ACGC I was given the volunteer of the month award. Imagine, I got an award for playing 2 hours a week. That's going on my resume for sure! I had an interview at TBCH for my spring internship. It seems like an ultra-cool place. They have recording equipment in all of the therapy rooms so you can watch yourself later. Yes, that is really scary, but what could make you improve more than knowing your supervisor is going to watch you mess up all the time? They also do play therapy there, and if you didn't catch it in that volunteer of the month thing up there, I like to play. I think before I decided to counsel kids I actually wasn't totally sure that I was going to like this whole counseling gig, but I'm feeling good about it now. If only I was feeling good about that whole test thing... wish me luck, cross your fingers, pray for me, do a good luck dance, send good karma, positive energy - whatever it is you do I want it this week! And in return, tell me if you ever need mine and I'll send some your way.
Just a little first date discussion...
I went on a date last night. The guy was really cute and we had a lot of fun, and he's actually a lot like me. But, there's one conversation that still has me confused - it went something like this:R: So...what prescriptions do you take (side note-I'm not sure how we got to this topic, it flowed here and didn't seem weird at the time)
S: Umm...Wellbutrin for anxietyR: yeah? anything else?S: Umm....birth control
R: Why do you take that?
S: uhhh....(I wanted to say "to not get pregnant" but I didn't want to sound like a skanky whore on the first date so instead I said) to keep my period regular
R: Oh, doesn't taking birth control pills make you get cervical cancer? Do you take folic acid? You need to take folic acid for that.
S: Umm...I think birth control can make you more likely to get breast cancer, and blood clots. Cervical cancer is usually caused by HPV isn't it?
S: Yeah, the Human Papilloma Virus?
R: I know what it is. It's genital warts right?
S: I think that's only certain strains of it.
R: I think they say that about 70% of women have it. YOU probably have it.
S: ha ha...thanks (for basically calling me a skanky whore!!)
R: Well you should take folic acide because once you get a negative pap smear...S: You mean abnormal?
R: Right, once you have that you get abnormal cells and you'll have them for forever.
S: Uhhh...no. They can get rid of the abnormal cells...that's why you go to the gynecologist every year.R: Well, just take the folic acid.
S: ok...I'll get some folic acid...
S: Do you have the gynecological health discussion on every first date?
R: Umm...I've had some weird conversations, but never this one. Actually, just forget the last 20 minutes and remember the first hour and a half.
So this gets me thinking...imagine dating a gynecologist. Would you have to worry about this stuff all the time? How weird would that be? I like this guy, don't get me wrong, but it was too funny and odd to not share.
A day as a jobless oldie
I'm watching commercials today and the first one I want to mention is this Pepto commercial. Where the giant godzillas and greek goddesses are doing a dance where they hold their stomachs and grab their butts. Yeah, the butt grabbing is because of diarrhea. It's really interesting. Especially since we all know diarrhea is is just an excuse to miss things. Then another one is about gum cups or something like that. I'm not quite sure. So it's saying to put it in your car, and if you don't have a car put it on your desk, and if you don't have a job then you shouldn't be watching tv. I started laughing, and then I realized that I don't have a job. doh. OK, and then there's this thing about how I have somehow totally hurt my back running or Turbo Jamming or something. I did both this morning and now I'm slightly broke. I keep trying to get the dog to walk on it so that it's like a massage. And I tried putting a hot laptop on it like a heating pad, but nothing works. Man, it sucks to not have someone to rub my old person back. If anyone wants to come over and rub it for me just let me know and I'm game.
I was sitting here trying to study, but of course all I ended up doing was thinking about a lot of the research I've done regarding work and identity. The thing I realize is that many people pull a lot of their identity from what they do. When someone says "tell me about yourself" you almost always include your job. I'm sure that's because you'd think completely different things if I told you I were a counselor, taxi cab driver, and punk rock singer. It's not that your assumptions would be true necessarily, but just that you can picture something. It just explains you a little more; people know what you do all day. Maybe that's why it's so hard for me to not have a job now. I feel completely irresponsible by just being a student. I feel like I should be more. Do more. Something. That's like saying "I take out college loans for a living" almost. I know I'm doing important stuff, and I'm volunteering, and learning and all that. But I feel like I never have anything to talk about. At least when I worked I could talk to my boss about people at work, and to my friends about things that happened at work. I had the excitement of the window washer, and the mystery of what the IT guys can really track. I've been working on my resume and the more I add to it, the more I think "man, I kicked ass at my job!" It's a good feeling. What you do is part of who you are, and by saying "I do nothing" (for a job) I feel like I'm saying "I AM nothing." (OK, yes, I'm a counseling major and I realize how messed up that is.) Can you at least relate on how much your job is in your life? And how much I sit over here and analyze myself. If only I could pay myself for that...then I'd be in business!
Back to the topic at hand...
Halloween. So, the boxer costume arrived and my rear is apparently not intended for that costume. My butt seriously hangs out. So, as hot as that is, I'm sending it back. The other one looks to have the same problem. So...I'm either going to have to pick a different costume or just go buy some shorts and a sports bra :o) I met with Lindsay (the party is at her house) to discuss decorations. I think we have a pretty good plan going. I'm feeling a little un-excited right now, but I'm drinking my "Witches Brew" coffee that Barbara, Ebony, and Sarah got me (along with other stuff) and I have my new ghost soap prominently displayed in the bathroom so hopefully I'll get more in the mood soon. Besides that I'm trying to get some research projects done and work on studying for midterms and finding an internship. I got an interview at my top choice so hopefully this all goes in my favor. Send good karma my way.
A note about the last note
Thanks for everyone's responses. I really wasn't thinking of anyone when I wrote that, so if you thought it was a message especially about you, it wasn't. I think I have great family and friends, it's just a general disappointed mood, because I don't see my friends a lot lately so it's just a little more disappointing when I can't for my birthday. And since I hang out alone all day it adds to the feeling. Things just add up to a point where you get upset, you know? Like it's no one thing, and nobody can make you perceive things in a way to make you upset. It just gets boring and lonely over here so I get a little more excited than most people probably do about doing stuff. Not that Saffy isn't great company and all, but she rarely answers me when I talk.
It's my party I can cry if I want to...
I haven't written a blog in a while where I just spill my guts, so if you've missed those here you go....if not, then you should probably just stop reading right here. I've realized that I have been in kind of a whiney, pity party mood lately. I realize this, really I do. First of all, I am interviewing for a job Saturday that, if I get, will get me out of my acute boredom hopefully. However...I feel like I'm in a slump. People keep telling me they're engaged and I'm excited for them - really I am - but I think I'm on every person in the universe's group email list to announce the engagement. The more and more I hear of new people getting engaged the more and more I think...if all these people can so easily find "the" person, what the heck is wrong with me that I can't date someone for more than like a month? Some people tell me to find a group of single girl friends and to go out with them on weekends in order to meet people. Well, as simple as that sounds I don't know where I would find this mystical group, or how I would make time for my real friends if I did that. I'd love to go out and meet people but I think I missed the boat on that back when everyone was single. Well, the boat where I meet the right guy at least. I feel like it has to be me with the problem, because everyone else is doing this so easily. Someone tell me what my inability to pair is please. I mean, seriously, if you've seen me do crazy or unattractive things please tell me. I mean, maybe I can't change, but I'd at least like to know that I need to find a guy that can deal with me yelling obscenities in my sleep or whatever I might be doing. If you think I need to try a new brand of toothpaste or deodorant (hint hint), just let me know. I'd be happy to have the tip. And of course people say you don't find someone when you're looking for them, but I say that you don't find someone when you're just sitting at home reading on weekends either. Yup, that's what I do a lot of the time. I know that you are all jealous of me. Anyhow, then I also realize that part of this is that I'm going to be 27 in a few days and first of all, I'm not really excited about my birthday in the first place because I don't want to be 27, but second I don't really feel any enthusiasm from anywhere else either. I mean, my family had chicken fajitas to celebrate me and my sisters birthday. I'm vegetarian.... And I'm having a happy hour on Friday that I think there will be 3 people at including me. That's like one of those worst nightmare scenarios where you plan something and no one comes and you feel all lame, and you're sure that everyone feels sorry for you for being so lame and then you feel even lamer. Sigh...I feel like my original plan to just not celebrate probably would have been better because it seems like almost nobody else can celebrate it with me anyway. Like it's the exception rather than the rule to celebrate my birthday this year. It's like birthdays were designated so that you could have a day to feel like people should think you're important, but it doesn't really make that big of a difference to anyone except you anyway. A lesson in humility we'll call it. Maybe that's a bit extreme and I totally understand that life gets in the way and it isn't peoples fault that they can't be there when I decided to plan it. I'm not saying this is some person's fault. I mean, back in the day my mom planned my parties and tons of kids came - I didn't have to do anything at all except bask in the glory of the kid party. I miss that. When it really is a day just for your pleasure. I'm just feeling old and alone. Really alone. I know, it's not even my birthday yet and I'm complaining, but I don't think my dog is going to wake me up on Sunday with breakfast in bed or make sure we spend a special day that she planned full of my favorite things. Maybe it's not too late to postpone the whole thing until next year. After all, I have Halloween and Homecoming to be working on and I know people will be attending those. OK, so...if you're still reading by now, thanks for taking the time to "listen" to me be negative. I'm not feeling sorry for myself - I'm feeling scared and alone, like no one ever shares these feelings so I feel like I'm the only one feeling this. The older I get the pickier I get, and the more set in my ways I get about picking guys. I needed to spill my guts about how unexcited I am for this birthday. How freaked out I am that I don't even have an idea of who I'd even maybe want to be with for the rest of my life besides my dog. How I feel directionless and sort of hopeless. It's scary. I'll go take my medicine now so that I can stop having all these feelings - they aren't doing me any good right now anyway. And if you just read this and want to tell me to stop being lame or whatever, really, just put it as a comment. I'm not going to be upset about it - I'd like to know if you think I'm being irrational and unrealistic, etc. etc. It helps me to determine if maybe I need some stronger drugs or just a slap upside the head.
I'm almost 27 and...
I'm getting a new laptop. Mine dies every 5 minutes so it's really a necessity. I finally got my new insurance card and the prescriptions are all $10 now - yippee for me! I went home for the weekend and ate waaaay too much pizza, ice cream, cake and Mr. Pibb. And I got too little sleep because the Saffster is so excited about the yard that she wakes me up about every hour to try to get a trip out there. Finally at 4am she convinced me to take her out - just for a little bit. Crazy dog! One of my favorite friends drunk-dialed me both Friday and Saturday nights so she must have been having a fun weekend! I can't focus on my reading and I'm nervous because midterms are in 2 weeks. I need a job but I really don't want to work on weekends. But I can't work for more than a few months. What a conundrum. Anyhow, when I went home I had to clean out a bunch of stuff because of the whole parents switching custody of the house thing. Anyhow, I found a ton of old stuff that was part hilarious, part sad, and part cluttered. I did manage to bring back some costumey things though if anyone wants a grass skirt, 70's-ish jumpsuit, or a flapper dress. I went to Party Pig today to check out the Halloween selections. They have some cool stuff right now that I'm guessing gets sold out by the time most people go to costume shop so I'd reccomend getting over there now. In their ad they had strobe lights buy one get one free and I can't remember where mine is so I might get one. Then I was thinking that I'm sort of odd because I lost my strobe light. ha! And that I really want to go do something spooky on Friday the 13th - a haunted house or watch scary movies. Besides that...I can't wait until Friday when we all get to celebrate with JC. Can't go wrong there. OK, I've rambled about nothing enough and now I'm going back to trying to force myself to read.